Maybe everyone has a touch of body distortion...

Something I have become more and more aware of lately is the difference in what others see when they look at my body and what I see when I look at my body. It began when my friend was loading up the prowler in Performance Training, which at my level requires you to push half of your body weight.  She looked at me and asked how much weight to put on. I just answered, "half my body weight," thinking she'd get started and I'd finish up the precise specifications. But she wasn't sure and asked me what I weighed, guessing around 160lbs.  I genuinely laughed and told her she was too kind, but I was 210lbs. She looked at me in disbelief.  She thought I was lying.  Now if you ask me to make a guess just looking at myself in the mirror, what any person my size might weigh, or what someone else might truly think I weigh, I'd say 250lbs.  Honestly. And I'd say to myself that people are just too nice, deep down they know the truth, or deep down they truly guess much higher than my number.

After a few more encounters similar to this experience, I began to think. Is everyone just blowing sunshine and rainbows at me to make me feel nice? Or, possibly, is there something off with me? How do I not see what they see?

As a therapist and continual student of the mind, I of course have studied things like Body Distortion, an unrealistic, or distorted, view of one's own body.  Typically, this is seen with cases of Eating Disorders.  I have definitely had a journey to have a healthy relationship with food, but I wouldn't be classified within the realm of eating disorders.  I also have had a drastic change in what my body physically looks like. You look one way for many years, and within a year you look incredibly different, perhaps the brain is still catching up.  

At the same time, I know how our society looks and drives.  I know that there is very real pressure to look a certain way, and you'd have to be a fool to shrug it off and say that only happens as a teenager and young adult.  I mean, research has shown that the most important characteristics to being feminine were 1. Nice, 2. Thin, 3. Modest, 4. Use all available resources for appearance. 

I've never had a certain number I wanted to get to. All I ever wanted was for my weight not to be an identifier.  I no longer wanted someone to say, "Have you met my friend, MacKenzie? You know, she's tall, blondish/reddish hair, kind of a bigger girl..."  I guess the problem comes now. I don't know if there's a way I can ever know if I have that identifier, because when I look in the mirror, that is the first thing I see. Every. Single. Time. 

I did my best in photoshop to portray what I see when I look at myself in comparison to the real picture:

Original                                                      What I see:

I was at the gym the other day and a guy I know asked if I'd lost more weight because I looked really good, like I'd lost more weight. And I hadn't, that I knew of at least. I had been feeling particularly fat that day. There are mirrors everywhere in that gym and every time I went to do an exercise I saw it. His statement started to bug me because I wanted to know why I couldn't see it. 

I think I have come to the reality that maybe we all (especially women) have a little bit of body distortion. I don't think I'll ever really see myself the way others do. And you know what? This is the harder battle.  Not working against 20 years of unhealthy living, not 150lbs of extra weight, not even my battle with sugar cravings. Those all get managed and subside after a while. The battle against my own mind, trying to convince myself of truth when I can't see it with my own eyes, that's what I'll work against my entire life. It's climbing the gravel rock pile, you climb and slip and climb and slip, without knowing if you'll ever actually reach the top. But at least when you're climbing, you're fighting. 

Who knows if my brain will ever tell me the truth of what I look like, but luckily I am not alone.  Bob Goff said, "When there's no boat to get back into, God gives us our friends." So even though it's difficult to work against you're own brain, I have you. My friends, the people who love me tell me every day who I am. And yes, I know, the important things are inside and looks don't matter. Blah blah blah. Sometimes you just want your outside to truly reflect your inside.  You want people to see your hard work, see your struggle, and get it. I am grateful to the people I care about because you often tell me how proud of me you are and you see my hard work.  I know now that I am going to just start believing the words you say instead of brushing it off as sunshine and rainbows.  

{Silver Falls}

My second hike of the year took Emily and I up to Silver Falls State Park on a beautiful Martin Luther King Jr. Day.  The forecast had said there was 100% chance of rain, but it ended up not raining a single drop on us!

Date of hike: January 18th, 2016
Distance: 9 Miles
Elevation gain: 1,300 Feet
Difficulty: Moderate

{Hoyt Arboretum & all about the 52 Hike Challenge}

I found a great challenge for the new year. It is called the 52 Hike Challenge - Adventure Series and entails of 52 hikes before the year ends.  The general challenge only includes that but the adventure series has some specifics. So within my 52 hikes this year:

• 5 Waterfalls (even if they are dry)
• 1 Forest (if not possible, go to National Park/ Site)
• 1 National Parks, Monuments, Preserves, Recreation Area or Historic Trail
• 2 Hikes to bodies of water: Lakes, Rivers, or Ocean
• 1 Stewardship hike (pick up trash or join group to help with a restoration project)
• 1 Group hike (if you are regular to one group, visit a new group to meet new people)
• 1 Introduce someone new to hiking (on an easy trail)
• 1 Hike from your Bucket list (somewhere you have always wanted to go)
• 3 Reflection hikes (journal at the beginning, middle, and towards the end of your challenge).

I'm excited for the year and encourage everyone to opt outside! I'll be on instagram and using the hashtag #52hikechallengewithdonqua. So as anyone who follows me and is also taking the challenge, please tag your photos with this so I can keep up with everyone!

For the first hike of my year, I explored through the beautiful winter wonderland of Hoyt Arboretum. The incredible thing about this place is that it was like a zoo exhibit for different types of trees. I'm kind of a nerd for that. 

Date of hike: January 9th, 2016
Distance: 5 Miles
Elevation gain: 425 Feet

Difficulty: Easy

 Viewing deck in the Redwoods

 Winter Garden

 Overlooking Portland

6 Month Update

The last 6 months have been a bit of a whirlwind, so I've definitely been behind on the blog! I left in June to be a Mental Health Specialist at a residential summer camp for about 10 weeks. Naturally, being in the middle of the woods, I was a bit out of commission! Therefore in the interest of catching up, here are a list and some pictures of the hikes I've done!

1. Beacon Rock, Washington
Date of hike: April 18th, 2015
Distance: 2 Miles
Elevation gain: 680 Feet
Difficulty: Easy

 The crew that went with! (Left to right: My brother, Cody, Me, Emily, Steph, and Asher)

Can I just highlight how stunning this couple is? I could write a whole blog post on how I'm in love with these two, just saying.

2. Mt. Zion, Angeles National Forest, California

Date of hike: April 24th, 2015
Distance: 10 Miles
Elevation gain: 2,200 feet
Difficulty: Difficult

It was super cloudy in Southern California that day, but still stunning. It was unreal and expanded my vision of what to picture when I think of California.

The poor drought diminished one of the only waterfalls near Los Angeles to a trickle.

At this point, the top of Mt. Zion, I may be smiling but rest assured I was so angry.  I was exhausted and sore already and then had no view at the top! It was incredibly foggy, and quite eerie to be honest since not many people were around.

3. Stahlman Point

Date of hike: May 9th, 2015
Distance: 5 miles
Elevation gain: 1,300 feet
Difficulty: Moderate

 The crew that hiked with me! Rebecca and Katy definitely loved the steepness of this hike!

1,300 feet gained in 2.5 miles? Hello calves!

 Spectacular view of Mt. Jefferson from this summit!

Poor Detroit Lake was pretty sad this summer after a fairly dry winter! #budgetcuts

4. Henline Falls

Date of hike: May 16th, 2015
Distance: 2 miles
Elevation gain: 200 feet

Difficulty: Easy

On this short hike near Shellburg Falls, Jesus and Rebecca tagged along!

5. Mary's Peak

Date of hike: May 25th, 2015
Distance: 6 miles
Elevation gain: 1,200 feet
Difficulty: Moderate

 Mary's Peak is the highest point in the Coastal Range.

 What a stunning day this was. 

I love this girl.

6. Butte Creek Falls

Date of hike: May 30th, 2015
Distance: 1 mile


Elevation gain: 320 feet
Difficulty: Easy

Butte Creek Falls was really more of a short jaunt with Katy!

 This secluded spot would be perfect for a picnic date with your someone special!

7. Tamanawas Falls

Date of hike: June 11th, 2015
Distance: 4 miles
Elevation gain: 590 feet
Difficulty: Easy-Moderate

 My mother folks. She is the cooler, funnier, smarter version of me.

 She's not a huge fan of hiking, hills, or falling and fracturing her tailbone. I swear she'll never hike with me again! Sorry mama!

8. A multitude of hiking near and far while at camp!

I hiked with the kids several times throughout the summer, and the longest one was from camp to Shellburg Falls!

Relaxing at Marth's Mill about 2 miles from main camp

 I've blogged about my first time hiking at a first year counselor at camp back in 2009 before, but this summer I actually got to hike the path we take from camp to Shellburg Falls. This was the first time going this way since that unknowing historic hike 6 years ago! I went with about 30 teenagers and it was awesome!

 Trail clearing with "Hush Puppy" up to one of our overnight spots for campers, North Fork Spot, roughly 4 miles from main camp.

 Many times throughout the summer we took the kids over to the Upper North Falls portion of Silver Falls State Park. And you might be surprised to find out that, as many times as I have hiked through Silver Falls, I have never realized this part of the trail and this falls even existed! It is a phenomenal spot!

Ragger's Point is an uphill trail that I frequented many mornings before the children began their day

9. South Sister

Date of hike: September 2nd, 2015
Distance: 5 miles
Elevation gain: 4,000 feet
Difficulty: Strenuous

South Sister Summit has been my goal since the very beginning of my hiking life and I finally felt ready. If I could go back, I definitely would have done this hike just before camp. My normal exercise routine was on hold throughout the summer and unknowingly, I lost a lot of the strength I built up. South Sister, a hike that climbs nearly 5,000 feet in 6 miles, tested my endurance to its very limit.  Every step was difficult and I had to stop and rest quite a few times.  I was determined to make it to the top, however, the grace of God stopped me. It ended up to be a very foggy day and as we climbed higher the trail became much more treacherous due to icy, cold, and freezing rain conditions.  My guess is that we made it about a mile from the summit before we decided to turn back.  But rest assured, South Sister has not seen the last of me! I'll be back and I will summit. You better believe that picture will be sick!

My friend Glen went with (and had no trouble hiking by the way! Which of course was frustrating to me!) He was not amused by my GoPro action.

10. Three Pools

Date of hike: October 15th, 2015
Distance: 3 miles
Elevation gain: no idea
Difficulty: Easy

Katie and I definitely meant to hike the entire Little North Fork Hike as found on Oregon Hiker's Field Guide. However, we realized that we began in the wrong spot and ended up enjoying this spot on the river near the falls to chit chat and dream about her upcoming wedding! I guess we better go back!

11. Opal Creek Wilderness

Date of hike: October 31st, 2015
Distance: 10 miles
Elevation gain: 1,240 feet
Difficulty: Difficult

I'll be honest. The post-camp, post-schooling depression is real. In October, I had been unmotivated to move from the couch even, let alone hike. But on Halloween I forced myself to get outside in the pouring rain and flooded trails to trek 10 miles through Opal Creek Wilderness. At this point I decided it was time to refocus and find new motivation.

 I love those fall leaves in Oregon!

Cascada de los Ninos

12. Hart's Cove

Date of hike: December 25th, 2015
Distance: 6 miles


Elevation gain: 1,000 feet
Difficulty: Moderate